Dana Buckmir
Dana Buckmir

Oh Dana!
I’m a 40-year-old single mother and career woman. I’ve gone on countless coffee dates and honestly, I’m sick of them. To tell you the truth, I don’t even like coffee that much. Some guys will even ask me on a second coffee date. I want a proper date. Are these guys just being cheap? How do I get asked out on a dinner date?

Dear Overcaffeinated,
It’s completely understandable that you want to perk up your dating game. One can not live on caffeinated beverages alone. There are no ifs, ands or beans about it. Wake up and smell the coffee, fellas! Alright, alright, I’m done with the coffee idioms.
Let’s get to the bottom of your predicament by first analyzing the purpose of the coffee date. The coffee date is like a pre-date or what I call a drive by to assess the goods before committing to an official date. As one of my guy friends says, “Asking someone to a coffee date is equivalent to typing, ‘hey’ as your opening line in a dating app.” The coffee date doesn’t take much effort or planning. As you know, coffee dates are generally short and sweet. Both parties are evaluating if the person has accurately represented themselves and if there is any chemistry. Remember, you want to save yourself the trouble of experiencing an awkward and possibly traumatic dinner date. Essentially, a coffee date gives you a window into the person and some indication of your compatibility level with little to no emotional or financial investment.
Are guys that ask you on coffee dates cheap? The answer is yes and no. Yes, it is a cheap date. I mean, how much does a cup of coffee cost? However, I don’t really blame the guy for testing the waters with a coffee date. Dating can be expensive. Guys need to have deep pockets if they’re going to buy dinner for every girl they meet. It’s practical to spend a couple bucks on a cup of Joe and then ask the woman out to dinner if they think there might be a connection that they want to explore. Otherwise, if nothing is brewing, both parties can leave relatively unscathed.
It sounds to me that your frustration is rooted in the frequency of coffee dates that you’re going on. If I were you, I’d suggest a different date. When in doubt, be transparent and direct. If you’re over the coffee date, speak up. It sounds like you’re overcaffeinated and understimulated, so take charge and control the narrative. Suggest a date that you would enjoy and if the guy isn’t into it, then it’s his loss. Maybe include on your dating profile that you like dining or trying new restaurants. I’d even go so far as to write, “coffee dates need not apply” in your description. It’s a cute and fun way to get your point across. As far as the guy that wants to go on multiple coffee dates, I’d be annoyed too. It shows a complete lack of creativity and initiative. Make sure to unmatch and/or swipe left on that one.
Manifest your intentions and open space for men to enter that fuel your needs and desires. They’re gentleman callers ready to take you out on the town and show you the time of your life. Cheers to more wine and less coffee!

Dana Buckmir aka “Oh, Dana!” Dana is the author of the memoir “Plenty of Laughs: One Woman’s Journey Navigating the Online Dating Waters. The book is a comical account on dating in the age of technology, including the compelling story of finding love online. You can find a sample of her book at https://danabuckmir.com/Dana wants to help people with their lives, love, and everything in-between! She is taking your questions at Contact@danabuckmir.com All submissions are anonymous.